giniesaucedoAs I’ve been diving deeper to get to know myself better, I started to contemplate my relationship with joy and fun in connection with other people that are not family. I’ve really been diving into healing this one so that I can feel safe in group settings again. As a Line 2, although alone time is important for me, spending too much time alone does things to my Gate 61, so being around the right people does help keep me sane.
I started to ask myself, “When did I decide it wasn’t safe to have fun or to feel excited about something?” Nothing really came to me so I went on with my days, trusting that the answer would come when it was ready to reveal itself to me.
On Thursday, April 6th, there was a knock at the door. It was the UPS person. My brother was expecting a pair of shoes, and I didn’t think they would need to knock. I rushed to the door after peeking out the window (we’ll talk about this pattern on a later date). The man was about to leave a note on the door to reschedule the delivery when I opened the door. He was struggling with the box and the electronic pad thing. After a minute or so, he realized he didn’t even need a signature, handed me the box and wished me a good day. My Spidey senses went up and I thought, “Hmm . . . this is interesting. I feel like there’s something going on here” (Gate 41, Individual/Knowing Circuitry).
I quietly go into my brother’s room to drop off the package and he starts to wake up. I normally bug him because when he orders stuff off of eBay, he uses my account so the packages come addressed to me. We both LOVE getting mail so we’re always excited when packages get delivered and go into withdrawals when it’s been a minute since we’ve gotten “fun mail.” Since this package was addressed to me and I saw he was waking up, I started to feel excited and said, “The UPS guy just dropped off a package! I think it’s the shoes! And it is addressed to me sooooo . . . I get to open it!”
Now, I know that my brother needs a few minutes to wake up, but in my excitement . . . I forgot and I didn’t realize how loud I was speaking.
He says, “Honey, I’m not fully awake yet. Could you not talk so loud?”
I realized what was happening and started to whisper, “Oh. I’m sorry. I forgot. I got excited and I didn’t realize how loud I was talking. I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok. I know you’re excited. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Then I remembered the question I had asked myself, “When did you decide it wasn’t safe to have fun or feel excited about something?”
Immediately, a memory came forward to give me insights.
When I was around four years old, my mother and I lived with a family in a small two bedroom apartment. Mom was always more than fair in pulling her own weight and she paid about half their rent and food, even when we were only two and they were three and we didn’t really eat that much. Mom is where I get my pattern of giving way more than what you receive in return and she got it from her mother.
One day, the lady that lived there offered to watch me while Mom went to work. I was always very well behaved so she normally took me with her because I was no trouble. Mom decided to give the arrangements a try because she always felt guilty for bringing me along. She thought I got bored easily (which I didn’t thanks to Gate 41 as my Conscious Sun). The night before my first day being able to stay “at home,” my Projector Mama gave me guidance as to what to do and what not to do.
“Their little girl is younger than you. She might not know how to share toys or how to take care of them like you do, so in order to avoid conflicts since I won’t be here if you need help, if you see that she’s getting upset over toys just go put them away. Okay?”
Got it! But I should have asked for examples.
The next day, I remember coming out of my room with a toy and sitting next to the little girl who must have been around two years old. I showed her a toy and how to play with it, but when she reached for it I thought it would be best to put it away and try a different one. You know . . . to avoid conflict just like my Mum had told me. I took it to my room and quickly came back with a different toy and the same thing happened. I did this a couple of times. During one of the times I went out of our room, the Channel of Awareness came on strongly and I remember receiving a ping, “You’re slamming the door. You’re going to get in trouble.”
Little me was so excited she was getting to connect with someone that she didn’t really pay attention to the small voice that was trying to guide her. A few door slams later, the lady that was watching me had enough, and I don’t blame her. I would have been annoyed too. She grabbed me by the arm as I was coming into the living room to show my friend a different toy and said, “You either stay outside or stay inside your room. You can’t keep going in and out like that!”
I was shocked. I don’t think it was so much because of what she said but because of how she said it (my Individual Circuitry is very sensitive to noise, tone, sound, etc) and the way she grabbed my arm out of nowhere. I have Gate 44 which is amplified by a very sensitive Undefined Spleen that has a huge touch component to it which I didn’t understand when I was that young, but I could feel it. My big little G-Center felt the stab to the heart. My face dropped, I ran into my room gently closing the door behind me (because lesson learned), curled up on the floor and cried myself to sleep while I prayed for Mum to get back from work.
The lady tried a few times to get me to come out. I think she got worried about what I would tell Mum when she got home and given that this was only day one of the new arrangement . . . things didn’t exactly go as everyone had hoped. I don’t think I ate at all while Mum was out. Thankfully I had trained myself to sleep through things to have time go by faster (that’s a story for another day).
When Mum got home, the lady nervously gave her her version of events. Mum was always good at hearing people out and getting more than one version before coming to a conclusion which is pretty good given she was an emotional authority. I was asleep when she came into the room, but I felt her come in. I started crying the moment she lay beside me and gently asked me what had happened. I don’t remember if I told her everything that happened. I think I didn’t want to worry her. I do remember how much I was sobbing and how safe and relieved I felt when I knew she was back. She comforted me and told me she would start taking me to work with her again because there was no need for me to have to go through what I went through. After our little talk, I started to feel hungry so she went to get me something to eat. Years later, she shared with me that this was THE event that moved her to finally get a place just for the two of us.
There was something to the UPS guy knocking on our door, even when he didn’t really need to. It helped me get to the root of why I decided it wasn’t safe to feel excited. It helped me see which part of me was asking to be healed so that I could better interact with those around me, especially now that I am rebuilding my support system which starts with creating a really bomb Inner Mum to all of my Inner Children.
Little me formed beliefs such as:
It’s not safe to connect with people.
It’s not safe to feel and show how excited you are.
You get in trouble if you’re happy.
If you share with others the things you like, they’ll want to take them and it’s best to avoid conflict.
Mum is the only one that understands you.
It’s not safe to try new things. It’s better to stick with things that work so you don’t get hurt.
Feeling joyful makes others upset.
Feeling joyful means now Mum has to work harder so that you two can live alone.
After doing some Inner Child work, most of these beliefs have been upgraded. They no longer serve us, and we’re practicing embodying new beliefs so that we can experience the joy of connecting with others.
JOURNALING PROMPTS:
Do you struggle with feeling comfortable around other people or in group settings? Do you feel like you don’t belong? Is there a part of you that yearns to connect with people who get you, accept you and love you just the way you are? When did you decide it wasn’t safe to connect with people? Feel excited? Feel joyful? Is there a childhood memory that comes up for you? What are some of the beliefs you formed? How can you soothe your Inner Child and reassure them that they are safe to be exactly who they are? What do they need to hear from you? What do they want to hear from you? What are some new beliefs you and your Inner Child can practice stepping into?