giniesaucedoIt was my first Body Date Guided Meditation . . . ever.
It was part of the Weight Loss Course I enrolled in after deciding it was time to get support. I was at the heaviest I had ever been and intuitively I knew it wasn’t about the food or exercise.
For most of my life I had been able to maintain my ideal weight with little to no effort. I ate whatever I wanted (I grew up on Jr. Bacon Cheese Burgers and Wendy’s would have made me an affiliate, no questions asked) and didn’t really exercise (I didn’t “need” to).
I was the type that always dreaded PE in school. I may or may not have even left my Physical Education credit in University to the very last semester, in case I flunked out I would never have to take it. Smart, right? lol
I had looked into a Weight Loss Coach before. The one I kinda felt drawn to was really big on emotional eating. I objected and said, “But I don’t feel like I’m an emotional eater.” To which she said, “All humans are emotional eaters.” We were not a good fit. I kept looking.
Then I found her. Someone who looked like a ray of sunshine and said she taught the things others didn’t teach about. She said that weight loss wasn’t about the food or the exercise. YES! Finally! This was right up my alley.
I LOVE learning and talking about the things no one talks about. One of my favorite questions to ask people I meet is not so much the small talk stuff. It’s this: “What’s the one thing you’ve learned thus far that once you learned it, you were never, ever, ever able to see life the same way?” Not everyone is open to questions like that though.
I enrolled in a 7 day challenge. It went a little too fast paced for me, so nothing really shifted, but I was presented with the opportunity to enroll in her signature programs at a special price for those who participated in the challenge.
It felt like a stretch, but there was something that called me to the program so I enrolled. There might have been a slight moment of freaking out because I didn’t realize the payment plan was bi-weekly and I might have also done the math “wrong.” (Math isn’t my zone of genius). I didn’t cancel though. My new coach and I worked through it and I decided to trust the funds would be made available to me as I needed them.
Back to my very first Body Date . . .
As I was going through the meditation, I received a “vision” in which I saw a very frail woman. She was sitting on the ground in a very dark room with her head to her knees and her arm hanging over her knee. I couldn’t see her face and she wouldn’t look up at me. All I could really make out was her arm, which looked like skin and bones, and her color looked pale, dull and ashy. I felt chills down my body as I observed her in complete awe of how frail she looked. I felt that if I reached out to touch her she would turn into dust with even the slightest touch of my finger. My heart broke and then two words came to me: Neglected and Abandoned.
I kinda zoned out of the rest of the meditation because my focus was now on her.
And her was me. I was looking a ME.
That’s how I felt and looked on the inside.
And whoa.
I did not look so good. Like it was beyond “Call the doctor” and it was looking more like “Call the morgue.” Not kidding.
I sat with that image for days, still in awe of what I saw, of how she looked. I was blown away by the fact that I was SO unaware of how I really felt deep inside.
Life had been crazy the past couple of years. Not knowing how to properly handle what Life was throwing at me pushed my body into survival mode 24/7, and it remained stuck in that state way after the “threats” had ended because I didn’t know how to shift out of it.
The disconnect was severe. My body resorted to adding layers and layers of fat to not only protect me, but to also get my attention.